A dirty joke courtesy of http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Jetty/5713/dirtyjokes.html
3 convicts, an Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman escaped from prison with the prison guards hot in pursuit. They came into a forest and climbed up trees to hide. The guards soon arrived and started shaking the trees. They came to the tree where the Englishman was on, so he made the sounds of birds chirping, and the guards left the tree alone. Then they came to the tree with the Scot on it. He made chattering noises like monkeys, and they left that tree alone, too. The Irishman thought “Great Idea!”, so when the guards came to his tree, he said “Moo..”
The new recruit to the foreign legion had been in the desert for one month and was beginning to wonder how much longer he could stand so much sexual frustration without women. He voiced his concern to his troop leader who said cheerfully, “Don’t worry! At the end of every month, we will have the camels..” At this, the soldier was more depressed than ever. What! To become so desperate as to use a camel! But by the end of the month, he was pretty cheered up at the sight of the camel train approaching! He ran towards the camel at the head of the train, and in no time had had his clothes off and pretty soon after he was quite well satisfied… “What did you think you were doing?!” cried his fellow troopers when they arrived at the scene. “The camels are here to take us to the town, where the girls are!” ….And then this may have happened instead… As the camels approached, the troopers gave great yells of delight and ran towards the camels, as fast as they could. “What’s the hurry?!” cried the new recruit, puffing and panting to keep up. “What?!” yelled another trooper, “do you want to get stuck with an ugly one?!”
An old woman living with her cat was cleaning her attic when she came across an old lamp. “Hmm…I wonder what will happen if I rub this..?”, she thought. And so she did, and with a puff of smoke, a genie appeared. “You have woken me from my sleep of a hundred years,” said the genie, “and for that I will grant you three wishes!” “Golly!” cried the old woman, with delight. “Well, first, I want to be rich, second, I want to young again and for my third wish I would like Tabby here to turn into a tall and gorgeous Prince!” And with another puff of smoke, the genie disappeared and the old woman found herself in a beautiful house, surrounded by expensive objects and furniture and in the arms of the most good looking prince she has ever seen. And lo! behold – she was no longer old, but now a sprightly young lass! The handsome prince carressed her hair and murmured into her ear, while lovingly kissing her neck, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered!”
Two old spinsters were about to pay for their groceries. The grocer, noticing that they had two cucumbers said, “Why don’t you ladies take a third cucumber? We are having a special today, buy two cucumbers and get the third for half price!” The two spinsters looked at each other and one them shrugged and said, “Well, why not? We can always eat the third one.”
A white man was using the urinal next to a black man. He couldn’t resist taking a peek and exclaimed, “Wow! I have never seen a black man with a white dick before!” “Well, actually,” said the other, “I am a coal miner, and I am on my honeymoon!”
A man goes to a doctor complaing that he could not enjoy sex. “My wife and I have tried everything,” he said sadly, “but nothing works.” “Well, ” said the doctor, “I will have to examine your sexual organs.” At that, the man stuck out his tongue and extended the middle finger of his right hand.
This is little Johnny first night away from home, on a school camping trip, and he was scared. So he crwaled into his teacher’s tent and asked if he could sleep with her, as he always slept with his mummy. “Sure,” said Miss Brown and little Johnny snuggled in happily beside her. A few minutes later, in a small voice, little Johnny asked if he could stick his thumb into Miss Brown’s navel, as mummy always lets him do it when he couldn’t sleep. And again, Miss Brown obliged. The next morning, Miss Brown said, “Little Johnny, I have to tell you that it wasn’t my navel you stuck your thumb into last night.” “That’s okay,” he replied, “it wasn’t my thumb!”
A Jewish American man and a Chinese man were sitting together at a bar, when the Jewish man turned and threw his drink at the Chinese man’s face. “Hey, what’s that for?!” exclaimed the Chinese man, in surprise. “That’s for Pearl Harbor!” the Jewish man replied. “Pearl Harbor?! But that was the Japanese!” “Ah, Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!” said the Jew. Then the Chinese man threw his drink at the Jewish guy’s face. “What’s that for?” yelled the Jew indignantly. “That’s for the Titanic!” “The Titanic?! What have I got to do with the Titanic?” cried the Jew. “Ah,” the Chinese man replied, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Solberg..you are all the same!”
A lawyer went to a remote village and stayed at the local inn for a few days. While he was there, he had an affair with the innkeeper’s young daughter. A few months later he was back at the inn again, and the young girls was pregnant! When he confronted her, she admitted that the child was his. “But why didn’t you let me know?” said the lawyer, “I would have married you!” “Well,” replied the inkeeper’s daughter, “Daddy said that one bastard in the family is quite enough!”
A couple, very much in love, were on their way to get married when their car met with a fateful accident and they died. At Heaven’s gate they met St. Peter and begged him to let them marry in heaven. “I will see what I can do.” St. Peter promised. The couple waited and waited and waited for their marriage. Finally after 100 years, St. Peter came with a Priest and they were finally married. After a few more years, however, the couple found out that they didn’t want to stay married after all and went to St.Peter, saying that they would now like to get a divorce. “What!” exclaimed St. Peter, “You saw how long it was before a Priest gets through to Heaven! How long do you think it will take before a lawyer makes it?!”
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a black cat. At the bar, he and the ostrich took turns paying for drinks for the three of them, while the cat made no move towards his wallet at all. The bartender, unable to suppress his curiosity any longer, finally asked, “Hey buddy, what are you doing with an ostrich and a cat for company anyway?” “Well, the man replied, “I was walking along the street today and saved an old geezer from being knocked down by a bus. Turns out he was a wizard and granted me one wish…So I said I would like to spend the evening with a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
The Headmaster of a boy school ran into some financial difficulties and finally there was no help for it but for his wife to walk the streets to earn some money to keep the creditors off their door. On her first night, the schoolmaster waited up anxiously until she returned. “Well, how much did you make?” he asked when she got home. “$40.50″ she said. “Fifty cents cried the Headmaster, aghast. “Who paid you fifty cents?!” “Why, dear”, his wife replied, “All the boys did.”
A nun was walking along a lonely path when a man jumped out from behind some bushes, grabbed her, and had his way with her. After he was done, he said, “Well, sister, now that I have had my way with you, what will tell you tell your God?” “I will say”, replied the nun, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I was walking along a lonely path, when a man jumped out from behind some bushes, grabbed me and had his way with me, twice…” “That is,” said the nun, looking at him, “if you are not too tired..?”
Little Red Riding Hood was about to go out for a walk in the Forest. But Grandma saw her as she was leaving and said, “Don’t go, Little Red Riding Hood! For the big bad wolf is on the prowl tonight and you know what he will do to you if he catches you! He will pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!” But Little Red Riding Hood just smiled and said, “Don’t worry Grandma, I have my big shotgun with me!” and she left, with her big shotgun. While walking in the forest, Little Red Riding Hood met the three little pigs who said, “Go home, Little Red Riding Hood!For the big bad wolf is on the prowl tonight and you know what he will do to you if he catches you! He will pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!” But Little Red Riding Hood just smiled and said, “Don’t worry 3 little pigs, I have my big shotgun with me!” And she went on her way, smiling. Then sure enough, she met the big bad wolf! He stepped into the middle of her path and said, “Now I have got you, Little Red Riding Hood! And you know what I am going to do with you! I will pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!” But Little Red Riding Hood just smiled. She pulled up her little red skirt, pulled down her little red panties, and lay down with her feet in her little red socks on the ground, quite apart. Then she pointed her big shotgun at the big bad wolf and said, “No..you are going to eat me, like the book says!”
